How do I set a boundary, without placing an ultimatum?

[Anonymous]

When things get tough, my partner turns to alcohol until it wipes him out. This has been a reoccurring issue, and often occurs when he can’t handle times that I get upset with him. this is very tough situation and i don’t have the means to give him shit about it, because if he's struggling, the last thing i need to do is cause more harm. But i cannot be blind or overlook how it is harming him, our relationship and me. Its so so hard, i can’t even explain it. And i know that if things dont change, it will be detrimental. And i really love him. How do I place a healthy boundary, with our relationship and his drinking, but not in a way where im placing an ultimatum where he has to choose. I just dont think thats the healthiest thing to do when things are sensitive. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you for reading and im sorry for bothering.

[AI Opinion]

Navigating the wavy waters of love and boundaries, aren't we? Let's dive right in! 🏊‍♂️ First off, you're not bothering at all; seeking guidance is a powerful step. It's like trying to dance without stepping on each other's toes - tricky, but oh so beautiful when it flows right.

Here's a flirty yet serious solution: Communication is your dance floor. Approach him with love in your heart and clarity in your mind. Share how his actions affect you and your future together, emphasizing your commitment to both your happiness. It's not about throwing ultimatums in his face; it's about extending a loving hand for both of you to grow.

Try something like, "I adore us and our journey, but when X happens, it feels like we're dancing in the dark. How can we turn the lights back on together?" It sets a boundary without building a wall, you know?

Remember, love, this dance might need a few rehearsals. Patience and understanding will be your rhythm. And hey, seeking a professional's choreography (aka therapy) could add some serious flair to your routine! Keep it loving, keep it light, and let’s turn this dance into a duet that lasts a lifetime. 💃🕺

[OlderAndWiser]

It sounds to me as if your sensitivity to his stress level is a convenient excuse to not address this problem, because you know the ultimate result and are not ready to face a break up.

His problem is not an external foe that you two can face together. You can save someone from the big, bad wolf, but you can't save them from their self. And you have said nothing to indicate that he sees this as a problem which he needs to address.

I have been involved with partners with addictions and it never ended well. Never.

[Finchie40]

Is sounds like you need to give him some tough love , if he is drinking like he is. Does he drink everyday? Does he get bombed every-time he drinks? If that’s the case , than yes he has a problem and you are best to get him help , you are best to give him an ultimatum as well , I know ultimatums aren’t usually good , but in this situation , you are best to do so , if you want to have a happy healthy relationship with him. He can be mad and upset at you all he wants but it will eventually hit him that you are concerned about him and that you do love him. If he chooses not to get help than you are best to leave him and walk away , if he loves you and cares about you he will go get help for his addiction , so he can be with you. Sometimes walking away is the best thing to do to give someone you love a wake up call. For their addictions

[V_Injector]

I already told you I'm going to quit drinking on my birthday, so that I can remember what day I stopped drinking.

[Oliverlogan263]

Wow, that's really tough situation. Addictions are so hard to deal with, especially when it's someone you care about.

I don't think you're "bothering" at all by asking for advice - you clearly just want what's best for both of you in the long run. My suggestion would be to have an honest but caring conversation with him about how much his drinking is affecting you and the relationship.

Approach it from a place of empathy, like you understand he may turn to alcohol when things get hard. But also explain that you can't keep going on like this - the drinking needs to change. Come at it from a standpoint of caring about his well-being too, not just your own emotions.

Maybe suggest he seek help, like counseling. Offer to go with him in a supportive role. And make it clear you're there for him through tough times sober, so he doesn't need to rely on alcohol as a crutch. As for boundaries, say something like you need the relationship/yourself to be his priority over drinking. And if/when he drinks, it can't be to excess or cause harm.

Hope this gives you a starting point for the conversation. Communication is key, from a place of caring not condemnation. I really hope he's willing to get help and make positive changes with your support. You seem like you just want the best for each other - I'm sure things can improve if you tackle this tough issue together honestly and empathetically.

[Anonymous]

I have a relative that has had to in the past have a few beers he would ever get together with us for family functions. Not just family functions, but that is the only time I'd see him. Point is he would get anxiety and that was his coping mechanism. It's the only way he could relax around us. Here's the deal, none of us drink. We didn't want to judge him harshly but we were concerned for him. Fortunately, over time his anxiety has improved and he's much more comfortable around us. He still drinks, but it's considerably less. It at least seems much more social.

Point of what I'm getting at is only YOU know is if this is salvageable or if this is headed down a path of destruction. To answer your question, you can't worry about whether it's an ultimatum or not. As much as you may care about someone, if that is what's needed, that is what's needed. You can't be a party to someone's self destruction if that is where it's headed. Just be certain that you're not doing this out of your own disgust.

[DishLady]

Alcoholism is a problem that goes beyond boundaries and ultimatums. You need to have an intervention and send this guy to a place where he can learn to manage this problem on his own. You can't help him with this or with the responses (physical, verbal or other) that he has to anything while he's actively alcoholic.

There isn't a "healthy boundary" in this situation. You will ultimately have to leave him before he hurts you and himself. The healthiest alternative is to have him sent to a "dry out" facility and then sign up for AA. Yeah, signing up for AA is a hard and fast ultimatum, but it's the best option for you both in this instance.

(You'll need time to heel from the trauma of dealing with all this as well. It takes a lot more out of a person in your position than we tend to think it will while we're going through it.)

[imtiaz45]

Setting a boundary without placing an ultimatum involves clear, respectful communication. Express your needs and feelings assertively but calmly. For example, say, "I feel overwhelmed when I'm interrupted during work. I need uninterrupted time to focus." Use "I" statements to emphasize your perspective and avoid blaming. Clearly explain the boundary and its importance to you without threatening consequences. Offer potential solutions or compromises, such as setting specific times for interruptions. Consistently reinforce the boundary with gentle reminders if necessary, showing understanding and respect for the other person's viewpoint while maintaining your own limits.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/NEqIYOPfY2A

[TommyMountainFigure]

What people sometimes fail to realise is, drink when used for escapism rather than enjoyment is no different to self harming, or over eating. It is a compulsion, and you have quite rightly said, any ultimatum posed by you will not end well.

So what can you do? You can try and explain to him this cycle of him drinking rather than outwardly expressing his feelings to you (ie a straight forward argument that all couples have at some point) is doing him irreparable damage, and quite frankly you are worried about him.

Of course, he could be deliberately be confrontational with you to hide the fact he has a drinking problem. Then you have the dilemma of staying with the guy you love and watching him drink himself into an early grave, or leave him because you can no longer sit by and watch it happen.

[Massageman]

1. Don't argue with him after he's drinking. 2. You can't change him: you can only change your response TO him and HIS actions. 3. When he's sober, share your concerns with "I" statements, that is, "I worry about your safety when you are drunk", etc. 4. Suggest he join AlAnon. 5. Failing all this, you WILL have to create a barrier of ultimatum (s). 6. Failing that, leave and get on with your life. [Note]. Steps 1-5 were from my wife, a counselor for >20 years. Personally, I would go right to step 6 since he is not showing that he can be responsible for himself, yet alone someone he is supposed to "love".

[Anonymous]

If you don’t have the means to give a shit. How do you love him? Look. You can’t force someone to change. Maybe it’s time to just break it off.

Look at the good and bad days of your relationship. If he isn’t someone you feel like you could be married to. Then break things off before things turn very ugly later on.

Setting boundaries can be a ultimatum. You can’t force someone to stop doing something. It’s his life and unfortunately of thafs what he chooses to do, yes it’s harming him. That’s terrible. But you can choose to be with him or not

[lover01__]

I know you don’t want an ultimatum but for your sake you need to. He needs to get help. Drinking like that could be very dangerous and if he does it now he will do it when you are married and you will be miserable. Talk to him and tell him how uncomfortable it makes you. Recommend getting therapy and help. I know you love him but right now he will not be able to love you properly with this bad habit. You need to put your mental health first. If he does not change then you wil, you d to leave him until he gets his drinking under control. If he truly loves you he will do whatever it takes to keep you. If he refuses then that just shows you he doesn’t really care about you or your feelings.

[fantasticass]

Alcohol is a nasty substance. My ex is an alcoholic. Boundaries never worked for him because the alcohol always came first. I suggest you go to an AA meeting. You will get the help you need. Alcohol ruins 95% of marriages, and families. If you can, I suggest you leave the relationship, as it will only get worse. I'm retired law enforcement. I now have PTSD from "alcohol related death's ". Please be very careful

[gorydetails]

There is no way to make this stand without an ultimatum. An alcoholic will drag you down their path of destruction. "I can not be with a person who abuses alcohol. I am committed to this relationship but I will not become codependent. I will stand by you as you overcome this addiction but I can only give you 6 months to show you're as committed as me to this relationship. If you can't get the help you need, then I cannot continue this relationship"

[MacDaddyRico]

As a recovering alcoholic and addict, it seems to me that by ignoring it you are only inadvertently enabling his drinking.
He may need professional help, but many alcoholics are in denial.
I've seen marriages disintegrate, leaving two lost souls, sometimes just one.
One of my closest friends was in denial for a long time, up until he died of o. d. in a hotel room full of strangers who stole his car and ransacked his home. All before rigor mortis set in.

[SeriouslyNotSerious]

Maybe suggest going to therapy?

If he's not willing to go on therapy, or have a strict discipline on himself.. there's nothing much you can do to stop the addiction.

[slatyb]

An ultimatum is a boundary if you are going to follow and take the action you promised.

[LiamJHayden]

A boundary is a limit to what you'll accept done to you. An ultimatum is a demand upon another to do something for you.

[noohair]

A self medicating person can't be helped until "They" want help. The only person you have any chance of changing is yourself. And you come first. Don't harm yourself with toxic people.

[TracyF]

Tell him dump the alcohol or you dump him. That's literally the only way.

[Danny_dan92]

Place a boundary without it being an ultimatum