Why is it so hard for me to want to be with a good guy?

[Anonymous]

I got my heart broken and feelings hurt by a decent looking guy with a good job and financial stability.. what attracted me to him the most was his intelligence. I liked him so much just for him to be a jerk and treat me like nothing… it left me feeling shattered because he was like the first guy I really wanted to be with. I liked that I felt feminine with him and submissive

There’s a guy my mom wants me to meet and while I do think he’s nice looking and very kind. I’m just not attracted to him… I felt that he wasn’t a “man”… Or idk…

he said he hadn’t had a girlfriend since 2013, he works for city hall, he doesn’t really have a relationship with his siblings… I just felt turned off by him … and it’s not because of his looks etc but I’m just not attracted to him.

But ik he’s a good guy who would treat me right and our families want us to date very badly.

[Finchie40]

Yea don’t waste your time on him either , if you aren’t attracted to him than he is just a waste of time , you should never feel forced to like anyone. Just because your family wants you to be with him, doesn’t mean shit. You can only love someone you choose to love , no one else can make that decision for you. Relationships are harder these days mainly because of how things are today in this society , so finding true love isn’t easy for a lot of people. All we can do is keep trying and hoping one of them is an actual good seed for ourselves. Just because your last relationship didn’t work out , don’t blame yourself , still rock who you are as a person , and don’t change who you are for anyone , your knight in shining armor will eventually show up when you least expect it to. Someone that will choose you the same way you choose them. Sadly most of us encounter bad seeds before finding a good seed

[Asker]

I feel like this really changed me.. I’ve been struggling for months to feel good about myself. I started a only fans account just to help me with validation etc.. I feel like he did me a little wrong but it’s cool. I can’t make him like me.

[Finchie40]

Yea that’s a lesson most of us learn in life , we can’t force someone to stand by our side and choose us , the same way we want to choose them. If someone chooses to walk away? All we can do is pretty much let them go and realize we deserve better than that shit , because someone that truly values you and appreciates you? Will not leave your side. The key word is Close. Someone that loves and appreciates you wants to be close to you as much as possible , someone that doesn’t want to be close with you will distance themselves from you , and might try to treat you like a convenience. Never be a convenience to anyone , we can only choose someone that is choosing us the same way in return.

[msc545]

Good people are dependable and boring. Bad people are dangerous and exciting. Take your pick. I used to always choose bad women, now I choose nobody - boring but safe.

[msc545]

Thanks for MHO

[DishLady]

So you picked a bad guy... and when a nice guy is presented you don't think about giving him a chance. Hmm.

There's nothing to do other than to keep moving on. Don't settle for him and waste his time.

[Asker]

I’m not going to waste his time because I’m not interested

But I want a man who can provide and be a man

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

It sounds like you’re attracted to aggression. Maybe you should see a therapist and get to the root of things and figure out who you’re trying to replace with these toxic men

[HollyK21]

If you’re not attracted to him then don’t settle. Life’s too short too act in everyone else’s favor but your own.

[Asker]

It’s me Holly. Thank you 🙏

[HollyK21]

Awe!! This is good news, glad you’re doing ok💛

[Asker]

Things are going okay… I’m still in therapy.. and I sent him another text… but I talked about it in therapy. Idk… sometimes I don’t feel good after my sessions. I don't know if that’s a good or bad thing

[Asker]

Hope all is well with you. I miss talking with you 😌

[HollyK21]

I’m cheering for you hard right now Chels! Literally so good to hear you’re still in therapy and it’s slowly making a difference. It takes a while to heal, unlearn toxic mentalities and ultimately become better, but if you keep doing the work it’s going to pay off. I miss talking to you as well, but I think it’s best when these are our conversations and not about “you know who”. Our opinions about certain aspects of that situation are just two different and I don’t think it should ever come down to how it did the last time we spoke. I’ve moved on from that, I’m genuinely happy to hear from you. ❤️

[Asker]

She really got on me and kind of blamed me.. that’s why I was a bit upset and she said that me suing him wasn’t a good idea and that by sending that message I’m “harassing “ him and she was treating me as if I’m a stalker and I felt hurt by that… but she said I didn’t stand on my boundary… I allowed him to play me. She does agree that he just wanted sex but like you say there’s different opinions.

But I think I’m noticing how my behavior isn’t healthy and tbh it is hard not seeing what he’s up to. I just wish instead of her attacking me I wish she could tell me why I’m doing all this. Yes ik my behavior and actions are crazy but I’m trying to figure out what’s wrong with me and how to stop feeling so hurt.. and accept it for what it is.

But I’m going to try again.

[HollyK21]

I’m not even a therapist and I’ve told you the same things, so to see you were hurt or upset when a professional is giving similar sentiments at the very least tells me that I wasn’t far off with everything I was saying. I don't know, maybe it’s just a matter of right message, wrong messenger, which is totally fine so long as someone’s able to get through to you.

If you’ve managed not to be checking on him as of late then I hope you’re proud of yourself to that because I know how tempting it is. I’m surprised you were trying to sue him Chels lol for what?

[Asker]

I was suing him for sexual coercion… I had set a boundary with him, explaining that I was protecting my emotional and mental well-being and wasn't looking for anything serious.
Despite this, he strategically and cleverly coerced me, only to reject, discard, and ghost me afterward.
Although we didn't have sex, I want to explain why this significantly impacted my mental health and why I believe I was sexually coerced.
I communicated clear boundaries and even though this person appeared to respect them initially he manipulated me emotionally. Trying to gain my trust emotionally... and I indeed did become vulnerable just for him to become an absolute jerk, say demeaning and hurtful things and discard.
Could I win this case without looking ridiculous?
I want to sue him for 4k to help pay for therapy for severe emotional distress and emotional pain.

[HollyK21]

Well, if she talked you out of that then I’m very glad.

[Asker]

No but I know I can’t win the case after seeking legal advice and I text him letting him know that la what I’m doing but he left me on delivered

I don't know I need a break from therapy. I won’t fall into old patterns but she’s not against me using men for attention she just said that I need to set heavy boundaries and stick to them.. since I have shit self worth I’m going to focus on only fans

[HollyK21]

Chels honey don’t give up your therapy. It was hard enough to find someone and now that you have I think you should give it a real shot. It’s hardly been 2 months, she’s not going to have all the answers just yet. She’s building a relationship with you, learning about your patterns and hopefully creating a diagnosis that is specifically tailored to what you’re going through, not some nonsense online that’s meant to be a one size fits all. There’s no one size to trauma, mental health issues and healing.

[Asker]

He really broke me and I don’t think this is something therapy is going to fix…
I felt humiliated especially since she had her intern during our conversation that day to listen in but I agreed to it and I wish I hadn’t.

[Asker]

He truly doesn’t understand or care about the damage.. I’ll never feel good enough again and I’ll always compare him to any guy I talk to.

[HollyK21]

I’m sorry you felt humiliated but neither of them are there to judge you, that’s not what being a therapist is about. I think it’s just uncomfortable for you when certain talking points are brought up. I’d try to be as gentle with you as I could when I’d say certain things and somehow you’d still get mad or say I was being hurtful. It’s hard relaying things to you in a way you won’t take too personally but it doesn’t mean I judged you to draw that opinion.

[Asker]

I just thought it hurt that you didn’t see him as the issue or that you didn’t see that he was manipulating me to ultimately sleep with him and then dump me after.. but you say I did a lot of things wrong… that’s all
But I understand. She also agrees that he just wanted one thing

[HollyK21]

I have never ever said he was faultless babe, you can’t say I’ve never put blame on him for his parts. It’s when I address your parts that you say I’m siding with him which just isn’t true at all. Same goes for if I don’t agree with an aspect of the situation. There isn’t much for me to form some big opinion about him, what I’ve said has always been very surface level and simple. He had his areas he messed up and so did you, I’ve always held that stance.

[Asker]

Okay, we will leave it there.

I feel like nothing without him and I hate admitting that.

[HollyK21]

How were you feeling before him?

[Asker]

Like nothing. Lonely.. I was craving attention desperately from other men.

[HollyK21]

I’m mainly asking because if you felt like this before, sure you may feel worse now but I think it’s just a nail in the coffin situation vs feeling like nothing without him. He exacerbated something you were already struggling with, and to me, this is your cause to shift the blame and focus onto him. He will always be the biggest resident in your mind until you stop making him the focal point of your emotions. Attach your pain or sadness to all the relevant issues in your past and not solely onto one person. I think that would be the most progressive.

[Asker]

That’s not how I feel it or view it though. I feel like I failed. I feel like a loser, a nobody, discarded… he was honestly someone I wanted to be with and I feel like it was taken away. It’s a confusing emotion mainly because now I mean nothing to him and he wants nothing to do with me… on top of him already believing I’m unstable and him calling me crazy. It just hurts and that’s what you’re not fully understanding

[Asker]

I get that I have trauma that’s already inside me and it heightened it but knowing your not good enough is a different feeling on its own… knowing that he doesn’t even think you’re on his level and he’s treating you as such…and you’ve become nothing once again. He wants to be with a higher caliber woman and I’m not her. I’m a loser, a slut.. and he sees that
He deserves to be with someone on his level. I’m the opposite

I can’t take feeling like this anymore.

[HollyK21]

You’re very right, but I’ve always said I’ll never be able to fully understand how you’re feeling. I can relate to aspects of it, but unless myself or anyone else were in your shoes, no one would be able to fully grasp what’s happening in your own mind. Same goes for me, I’m sure there’s plenty in my past that you can’t fully understand but possibly relate to on a certain level.

As for not being good enough, I never felt like that was the case at all. What’s it matter to be good enough if you aren’t compatible? Or they want to be single? Or they aren’t ready for a relationship? This rejection has nothing to do with your value as a woman or as a person in general. It just didn’t work out.

[Asker]

I wasn’t good enough for him. That was the case. He is indeed looking and wanting a relationship but he just didn’t want one with me. He was rejecting me almost immediately after meeting… he was not attracted to me. I do feel like he wouldn’t have ghosted me if he were attracted to me.

I told you that he’s actively pursuing doctors and nurses… high caliber women. He doesn’t see me in a valuable way

[HollyK21]

I disagree babe, I just think it’s what you’ve managed to convince yourself of. Once you start beating something into your brain day in and day out for months on end, you’re gonna believe it. No one can talk you out of it or away from it.

[Asker]

Please believe when I say if I could feel another way I would. If I could hold on to anything that justifies his actions being positive I would. He did what he did because that’s how he felt about me.

[HollyK21]

I don’t think it has anything to do with your value but your actions during your time dealing with him. When you’re first seeing a new person, especially within 2 weeks you’re very much trying to get an idea of who they are and what you’re signing up for. You’ve admitted that there were things you could’ve done differently, but that is hindsight and unfortunately those things helped form his opinion about you. To say he didn’t believe you were good enough is to toss aside the valid talking points as to why you two didn’t work. It’s the easy way out — “oh I wasn’t good enough”. That’s all huh?

[HollyK21]

There’s more to it, that is my point here.

[Asker]

Then if he felt I was unstable and still dealt with me during the ordeal then we go on a date and you’re saying he’s getting an “idea” of me… he already had an idea of me Holly. That’s why I’m not worried about how I acted bc he was still willing to go out… it’s not about how I acted entirely but he was indeed still willing to give things a go if he were actually genuine.

He never wanted me. I was just too much to deal with and get sex from. He knew I would be crazier after sex and he wanted it to be easier to dump me

He did not find me attractive enough or smart enough to be in a real relationship with that’s why he’s actively pursuing better women

[HollyK21]

Same reason you still dealt with him after pressing on him about only wanting sex, you felt something and still wanted to give him a chance. You can’t reject the fact he was interested until he wasn’t, I don’t believe anyone would waste more time if they weren’t interested. I think the date was nail in the coffin.

[Asker]

Because he wasn’t attracted to me. I’m a very insecure person and very anxious so I wasn’t sure. I should have cut him off but I didn’t want to bc I liked him.

[Asker]

He just wanted to sleep with me and I and everybody else believes it… what does that tell you?

[Asker]

And why would a “high quality “ guy who really wants a doctor or another high quality woman want a slut or a woman who posts half naked pics? You really think he actually liked or wanted a relationship with someone like that or wouldn’t it make more sense for him to pretend he wanted something “serious.”

[HollyK21]

Everybody agrees either when you don’t add all the context or you’ve been so firm in that stance they just went ahead and agreed, not worth the fight. I could’ve done that ages ago but I’m not here to tell you what you wanna hear. No, I don’t think he solely wanted sex. I just don’t. As for a high quality woman, are you a teacher? How’s that of lower quality than a nurse? You both did your time in school and now do a job that helps people. Half naked pics, in my opinion, aren’t always an indication of someone’s worth or value.

[HollyK21]

**aren’t you a teacher

[Asker]

Yeah but a doctor vs a teacher.. especially an art teacher.. he wants someone who is on his level… he’s an engineer and he has a degree in mechanical engineering and a masters in something harder.. I don’t compare in any way. He feels he can do a lot better than me. He wasn’t attracted to me physically or mentally that’s why he said the comment “you think…. Differently”… and said that I misunderstand everything he says.. he raised his voice a little when he said that 😭

[HollyK21]

So why would a nurse be at his level? Art teacher or not, a teacher is a teacher. And why do you insist on saying the worst things about yourself? If I dare say anything positive about your character you tear it down. That has to be so exhausting Chels.

[Asker]

Okay I’m not talking about a nurse tho I’m talking about a doctor. I guess it’s true because you’re ignoring the doctor part..

[Asker]

How he treated me and discarded me I’ll say I’m not really enough for him

[Asker]

And deep down I just don’t feel like he’s straight. I think he’s closeted

[HollyK21]

Well, I won’t fight you on it honey💛

[Asker]

On what? I can understand if you don’t believe but the things I’ve seen and read are sus

[HollyK21]

On anything babe lol if these are all the things you believe, I won’t fight you on them. If you think the things you read were sus and etc, that’s fine. It doesn’t change anything though Chels. It’s pointless speculation and back and forth…

[HollyK21]

Did you ever finish baby reindeer? What did you think of it?

[Asker]

I been finished it. I think I’m her and she’s me lmao.

What did you think?

Him possibly being gay hurts me too because even though he doesn’t want me I feel like I still wanted him to be 100 percent straight and have a wife and family by now.

[Asker]

Believe it or not. His homosexuality plays a role in this big time.

[HollyK21]

I just finished it the other day! I had no idea that the actual man who went through this was the actor as well. Very vulnerable in my opinion but a good show overall👏 what’s next on your list?

[Asker]

I’m more into sci-fi

[HollyK21]

That’s fine Chels I only asked what’s next on your list lol it can be any genre.

[FunkyMonkee]

You're a girl!! Girls HATE being with kind, sweet, loving guys!! That's why I've been alone most of my life.

[HollyK21]

No offense but at 56 years old it’s hard to believe that being kind and sweet is why you’re single…

[Amandanator]

Yeah I have to agree with Holly. Maybe you are only attracted to certain women who are a little out of your league? 🤔

[FunkyMonkee]

@HollyK21 Sorry to disappoint but, apparently, it is! I've had my sites set on quite a few girls over the decades and so far, every one of them opted for an abusive asshole over me!

[HollyK21]

Interesting…

[FunkyMonkee]

@HollyK21 Isn't it? Come to think of it, there WAS ONE that seemed to be interested in me but, we were only together for about 3 weeks. As much as I tried to make it work, I just couldn't see us together for the long haul. There were just things about her that said to me that we weren't gonna be a great match. So, in THAT case, it was me that broke it off.

[HollyK21]

I don’t know, I’d have to know more about the type of guy you are while you’re dealing with a woman. I personally prefer someone who’s kind, sweet and loving, my fiancé is all those things. I can’t think of a woman who would want that as well, which is why I think there’s more to it in your case. Even if you can’t think of what would cause these unsuccessful situations, maybe you never noticed it.

[FunkyMonkee]

@HollyK21 And, so am I! My ex-fiance LOVED being with me for those 10 years but, apparently, she loved money more!! She left me for a guy that makes a living by searching through garbage and taking pictures of what he finds! after just 1 year with him, she got REALLY scared of him and went back to India!! she wouldn't tell me what he did to freak her out!
Time after time after time, I'm trying to win one over and she decides to go with some other guy who, eventually, starts abusing her and treating her like shit!! She comes to ME, cries on MY shoulders and I say and do everything I can to help her, she tells me what a wonderful guy I am and she wishes she could find a guy like me. Well? I'm available!! And, rather than leave him for good, or choose to at least give ME a try, she either goes RIGHT BACK to him or gets involved with another guy that's at least just as bad!!
This (as well as what I've been hearing from loads of other guys) tells me that girls don't WANT nice guys, like me!!

[HollyK21]

That’s a lotta drama man lol sorry you went through that. Genuinely. Lucky for you, not all women are that way. I couldn’t imagine being with someone anything other than kind, mindful, etc. It’s a direct opposition to my own character and quite honestly it would bring me down.

[FunkyMonkee]

@HollyK21 I know but, those that aren't are already spoke for!