A good thing to send a friend whose father just passed away…?

[DishLady]

A very close friend has been going back and forth to GA for his dad, dropping everything including his job to go tend to whatever the dad needs. Despite this wonderful person’s efforts… it was just his dad’s time.

I don't know all the traditions in that part of the world, but I know he’s Southern Baptist. I can’t make it to the wake/funeral. Does anyone have a suggestion as to what I can send him? I’m on the flip side of the infamous Mason Dixon line and religiously attuned to a completely different writ, but I’d like to show my solidarity and support to the guy while he’s there… Suggestions?

Updates

12 d

I tried calling just now… I’ll try again in a bit and suggest pitching in with the cleaning bill… what a great idea @OfMiceandMen. And thanks everyone for suggesting I call @NathanDavis and send food. (I was thing to thing of what food to send, actually… thanks @cupcakerhedestroyer for making it simple.)

[TheRealPepperPotts]

A "Thinking of You" card with a handwritten note is great. Sympathy cards are mostly awful (I've read about 300 of them and they are all pretty much different scripts of "There Are No Words" and "With Deepest Sympathy"). A "Thinking of You" card, maybe with an appropriate scripture verse and a personal note will probably be perfect. I would keep it brief; he'll receive dozens, if not hundreds, of cards.

Be sure you are letting him know of your support for him and what you are willing to do, and not waxing eloquent about how you would feel or have felt about your personal losses. Be specific about what you can actually do or offer, and then, for heaven's sake, make sure you actually do it if asked! You wouldn't believe the promises of support people make, and then vanish.

I'd encourage you, depending on how close you are, to check in every few months. It doesn't have to be deep or super personal or even about the loss, but just checking in when everyone else has moved on means so much. Don't be too nervous about walking on eggshells or giving space; grieving people are often abandoned in the name of "giving them space to grieve". And don't be afraid to talk about the person he lost, unless he specifically asks you not to. The most heart-rending thing for a bereaved person is the fact no one talks about that person anymore. It's beyond death, it's erasure. It's healing to be able to share funny stories and talk about the deceased without it being awkward.

Something to bear in mind that a grieving person is not necessarily right. A grieving person is hurting. There's a difference. Sometimes they may lash out, not because of us and what we have said, but because it hurts. Always remember it isn't you, it's pain. And sometimes things have to hurt before they heal.

[TheRealPepperPotts]

@DishLady Please keep in mind that this is my experience and naturally, everyone is a little bit different. It isn't the end of the world if you send a sympathy card or write something long! I think you are so thoughtful and a wonderful friend for actually taking the time to consider the best thing to do. I have a ton of respect for how considerate you are being, just know that. :)

[DishLady]

Thanks, @TheRealPepperPotts. ❤️❤️❤️

[WindAtMyBack]

First, check with the funeral home and read the obituary. The family may have a preference. There may be a statement at the funeral home web site, or in the obit. Something like, "In lieu of flowers, please make a donation to XYZ".

Flowers with a card are the default and completely appropriate. Donations are also common even if they don't specifically ask for them. If you know the deceased loved a certain park, art museum, church or charity, you can make a donation in their name (not your name). It does not have to be a monetary donation either. You can donate food to a food pantry for example.

Most funeral home web sites seem to push "donate-a-tree" these days. I don't know how legit those are, but I know that's become super common to have a donation link at the site. You can do a search for other similar donate-a-tree sites other than the one linked to.

With flowers/card, you can choose to send them either to the house of your friend, his family's house, or to the funeral home. Since this appears to be out-of-state, the funeral home might be the best bet. Anything sent there will be displayed at the service (assuming they have one). The family will decide what to do with them after the service. The family may take some home. The rest will go to the grave site by default. Any of the above options are fine and common.

If it's out-of-state, it limits somewhat what you can send. Like perishables might not be a good idea unless you know they will be used right away.

I strongly suggest contacting the funeral home with any questions. They do a lot more than just the funeral itself. They are there to help the family and anyone like you who has questions. So do not hesitate to contact them. You can also contact any funeral home in your area and ask questions. It doesn't matter if they are not the ones doing the funeral, they will answer your questions.

[OfMiceandMen]

Send him a letter expressing your condolences, something written rather than texted goes above and beyond these days.

You can always make a donation to the church if they are having a service, or donate to the flower fund if you know where they are getting the flowers for the service.

One thing I did in the past for a friend was to pay for the cleaning services so they did not have to worry about cleaning the house afterwards so that it was spic and span to list. The family just called the number of the cleaning service I hired and give them the key for the day.

[DishLady]

I actually don’t tend to text my older friends (bc we all need reading glasses to see the text 😂). We’ll do a quick voice message if we know it’s not the right time to call. But yeah calling is the standard. A letter would be nice, you’re right. They’re not doing flowers (not yet anyway… it’s not arranged).

OH, the cleaning service. Genius! If you were here I’d absolutely hug you. I will suggest it when I call in a few minutes.

[OfMiceandMen]

😂👍 regarding the texting.

Glad I could help in regards to the cleaning service. My friend really appreciated not having to worry about cleaning because they were soooo many other things to do regarding the estate, funeral planning, etc. It gave them a little sigh of relief.

Hope it works for you.🥂

[kylee2437]

Honestly as someone that has lost their father 4 months ago, there’s not really much you can send someone to make them feel better entirely. Not only is losing a parent very painful but the process of how the funeral happens plus life changing is a very draining process that no one really understands until they go through the same hardship. I’d say definitely reach out in maybe a week or so and ask if the person has ate and such, maybe send them some kind of gift card or offer to take them out to eat. During that time 4 months ago, I was heavily neglecting my health

[DishLady]

Yeah, I hear that and am sorry for your loss. I lost my parents as well and it was very tough to go through.

[DishLady]

Thanks for the suggestion. I’ll reach out for sure. ❤️❤️❤️

[exitseven]

A sympathy card would be appropriate, The real answer is the gift of your time. You do not have to physically be with him but to send emails or a phone call is appreciated. It is even more important after the fact. My father died verry suddenly and people showed up at the funeral which I greatly appreciated but I also appreciated the people who checked in every few weeks just to see how I was doing.

[DishLady]

This for sure. I’ve been trying to contact him but no answers yet. 😔 I’ll keep trying. Having lost my parents I get that he kind of just wants to be left on his own a bit, but it would be great to know that he’s ok and has someone to vent to….

[exitseven]

😎😎😎😎😎

[RavVid]

Above all what gives some solace is quiet acknowledgement of the loss. Don't be scared of using the usual words of sympathy etc. Clearly you feel those emotions and the genuineness will be appreciated.

If it is not 'no flowers' consider sending a wreath. For a man, in my country, we tend to use bush flowers - a little more masculine. In similar circumstances, I know that gesture was appreciated and the card.

A donation to something the father was interested in is an option.

If you knew the father recounting a recollection of him is nice.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

Send food. Where I live if someone dies their family is always sent food to make sure they’re reminded to eat well and take care of themselves as they grieve. When my roommate lost her grandfather, she was sent several food platters. She brought home a sandwich one from the funeral while the rest were divided among her family. When I lost my stepdad, my roommate brought me a couple of pizzas to make sure I was eating. Food is best, if not food then the means to get some easily.

[DishLady]

I’d have to find the right places in GA. I’ve only been there a couple of times for conferences and not any all in the residential areas to know what’s good. 😔

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

The pizza I got was Little Caesar’s lol they won’t mind something from a grocery store or chain place

[OlderAndWiser]

Georgia has Publix grocery stores with delis and they have exceptionally good fried chicken and side dishes. You can't go wrong feeding fried chicken to Southerners.

[HawkPerception]

If you have or could get any pictures of them with their father, a 3D photo crystal is a good idea and might be touching to the point of tears.

Here's a link to one I think has a great aesthetic:

https://www. iswanshop. com/PH-849651323947? lg=CA&gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAjwydSzBhBOEiwAj0XN4LVsWjfd4p1jn5u9VBZBSap1ZKBUAxvUhH9IG8G6JV6F0iJVPiF75hoC8-gQAvD_BwE

[DishLady]

I did that for my folks. I don’t think I can do that for his dad. I don’t have their fam pics.

[GeminiDiamond]

I've never been in that kind of situation, so I may only sympathize with what you're going through and what I would do. If he's a good friend, I'm going to the wake or funeral, maybe both. I would cancel any plans. If I absolutely could not make it, I would call/video chat for sure expressing how sorry I am for his loss and chat.

[JohnK123]

I’d write a long and personal letter and mail it to him

[DishLady]

I’m actually rather worried about him. Tried calling a few times and no answer. :(

[JohnK123]

Did u text him? Maybe his phone is off or dnd?

[strateguy632]

a note on a nice card like mice here suggested.

[Summeroflove]

Absolutely flowers is a nice gesture. A lot of people will appreciate a gesture like that

[Dongie]

I'd say use your traditional means of condolences. That's the personal touch I think this calls for.

[DishLady]

Hmm. Our churches and traditions are super different and I don’t want to seem disrespectful. I was hoping to offer something that’s more in line with the services and tasks he has to set up for his dad….

[Dongie]

What is your church? Catholic?

[Dongie]

Eeh, what I'm saying is I think he would appreciate anything you do.

[DishLady]

No, orthodox — we go way out on the deep end with our morning rituals. I think (if I’m not mistaken) that Southern Baptists wear colorful things to funerals. I remember the kaleidoscope of outfits folks showed up in for my mom’s services. OOOF. To me it initially felt insulting but I braced myself and just smiled and shook hands, basically on autopilot. I’ll never forget the person who showed up in a red leather dress with a bright pink string bikini top as her bra… another guy in surfer dude shorts… I don’t know what in the world they were thinking. And of course there were miscellaneous relatives and friends I hadn’t seen in decades suddenly creaking bc out of the woodwork…

I had mentioned in the announcement that all black attire, covered shoulders etc were required, but… 🤷🏻‍♀️

Anyway they were all there paying their respects and I appreciated that, but they were also all there to foist their opinions and traditions on me, which I could have done without….

So ideally I’d like to do something for my friend that he’ll appreciate and respect. I’m going to call and check in on him in a bit, probably go water his plants and such as well since his actual place is not far from mine.

[Dongie]

I see. I've been to funerals for cousins, the mom's of friends, as well as dad's. On some of those, we were instructed to come in blue jeans with a regular dress shirt. In 1985, we lost a young friend on a bike crash. He was 17. We all wore concert tee-shirts. The funeral was huge for a small town. Easily 250 people packed the church.

[DishLady]

Yeah. The rules shift a little depending on who’s passed on and what church or services are set up. It’s not cut and dry. But also very young people get free pass in terms if what to wear bc not every kid suddenly has an all black thing at the ready.

[SotiCoto]

An Urn with "World's Best Dad" written on it.

[NathanDavis]

be there instead...

[DishLady]

Wish I could! It’s just not possible.

[NathanDavis]

then it might not matter... could go to a pile with the rest, to be honest

[DishLady]

Hmm. True. I just know he has ri go through a ton of things — cleaning out the house and prepping it for sale, arranging all the executer stuff… I had to go through it on my own a couple of years ago and it was horrible. 😔

I do wish I could be out there for him.

[NathanDavis]

a call could help, an actual call

[DishLady]

Yeah, I have it scheduled for 11:30am. I don’t want to bug him too early. Sleep is very precarious during this sort of ordeal. And I’m going to stop by his place here to water the plants and probably get his mail.

[NathanDavis]

great (=

[DrPepper12]

Spa, massage, nails, restaurant gift cards

[Alex-Snow]

A handwritten note says a lot!